


Oblivion

by smallworu



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Loop Theory, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts/Actions, in general not a very happy fic sorry, rebuild-verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 08:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2302976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallworu/pseuds/smallworu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes we want what we want, even if we know it’s going to kill us. </p><p>(You fucked up.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oblivion

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday kaworu. i guess,  
> (tecHNICALLY THAT WAS YESTERDAY BUT YESTERDAY WAS 30 MINUTES AGO IT STILL COUNTS) (also i didnt even bother proofreading this At All do not judge me)
> 
> “Sometimes we want what we want, even if we know it’s going to kill us.”  
> ― Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

 

It wasn’t very often that you got to try loops over again-- more often than not, there would be some change. You would _think_ that it was the same world, but that miniscule variation would be more than enough to alter the entire outcome.

And if you based your plan on your memory of previous timelines, that small difference could ruin everything, making for an even worse failure than the last time.

It took 29 years of treading carefully for you to realize that this loop was the same.

Everything went the same as before-- Ayanami retrieved Shinji from WILLE, and brought him back to NERV.

 _The stage is set_ , you thought, as Shinji walked on the catwalk overhead, and stared at you. You smiled at him, playing your part.

He watched you for a while longer, before turning forward again, looking confused. Meanwhile, your mind whirled into action, even as you continued to play.

Everything, _everything_ was the same as last time. The crease in his brow, how he lingered just so far behind Ayanami, even the wind blowing his hair did so in the exact same way. You told yourself that you couldn’t assume, but every individual, _identical_ detail screamed that things were going the same way.

The one loop that would’ve been perfect, if the Spears hadn’t been wrong, was happening again-- and this time, you wouldn’t fail. You _couldn’t_.

But of course, the same problems could arise. The Spears, Shinji not listening to you when you told him to stop, the DSS Choker…

You frowned, and your playing slowed to a stop. You reached a hand up to your neck, and you could feel the phantom pains of every death. Shaking your head, you thought, _that won’t happen this time._

As much as you could feel every failed loop weighing on your shoulders, you could feel the determination to do better this time. “This time, I’ll bring you happiness, Shinji-kun.” You promised.

You looked to the ground, and began mulling over it, thinking of a plan.

What exactly _had_ gone wrong, last time? You wondered.

 _Shinji pulled the Spears_ , your memory supplied.

“…But _why?_ ” You asked yourself.

It wasn’t a case of him not trusting you-- but having it so he trusted you less wouldn’t help, either.

It was… desperation. Shinji was too focused on fixing the world, too frantic for his guilty burden to be removed, that he didn’t listen to you, or anyone else, for that matter.

_But the whole reason he was so desperate was because of me, wasn’t it?_

Your frown deepened. It was necessary. He wouldn’t have piloted Eva 13 if he didn’t have the motivation… _But perhaps it was too much._

“Is there even a way to have him pilot Eva, without relying on his remorse? _Without_ relying on his sin that caused the Near Third Impact?” You mused. You were still ashamed that you had subtly relied on that, when convincing him to pilot. You couldn’t even reason that it was for the ‘greater good’, as nothing came from it but Shinji’s sadness and your own death.

You ran a hand through your hair. Maybe you were over thinking things… you didn’t want to waste this opportunity, the closest you’d ever come to his happiness, but… if your planning was what caused your to fail, then… this could be your _only_ chance.

Sighing, you stood up, and resolved to think about it later. The revelation that this was the same loop was starting to sink in-- you had known well enough to start this train of thought, but it hadn’t hit you until now… You could try again-- you could redo.

This was either a gift, or a death sentence.

*

You acted like you did last time. You played piano with Shinji, and even the second time, you could hardly keep yourself from admiring him, when he wasn’t looking.

 You had to keep yourself from beaming, when his breath caught at your slight touches, when he _smiled._ It took all your strength to keep from embracing him, or doing _anything_ to forward, really, when he smiled in such a hesitant, soft way-- like he hadn’t for years. It took all you could to not try and wrap him up in your arms, take him somewhere where you could be safe and happy, and _together for once_ \--

You were walking a tightrope, when you were around him. This was the first time you were even capable of touching him in 29 years, and for every loop, the waiting felt longer.

You were so undeniably in love with him and he didn’t even know your name yet. You had to resist calling him Shinji in this timeline where he hadn’t allowed you, yet. It felt so natural to you, having “ _Shinji-kun”_ roll of your tongue, and after thousands of lives with his permission, it was hard to keep yourself from it.

 _You need to call him ‘Ikari Shinji-kun’ now;_ you had to remind yourself.

So, you just stuck to your soft-spoken half-confessions.

_“We sound good together,” “I really was born to meet you,” ”Only because I’m always thinking about you,” “Good things will happen when we’re together, Shinji-kun.”_

It hurt, to interact with him, each time so new, yet so much the same, it hurt to keep your distance. Those words you said were so rehearsed, you felt like you were going stale.

But you couldn’t walk to tightrope at the same time as when you said what you really wanted to say. You were dying to tell him just how much you loved him, or to even s _ay_ anything like it, to say what you meant-- _“I love you,” “I love you,” “I love you,” “I love you,”--_  ad infinitum.

You sigh, and roll over to face the ceiling of your lonely little room. It wouldn’t any good to ruminate on things too much. You still had time, and you had to enjoy what little of it you could spend with Shinji, or else you wouldn’t last another loop.

You never had very long with him.

You sigh again, forcing the thoughts out of your head. You _would_ make him happy, you swore to it. Even if you had to stay away, in case you failed.

Your eyes widened at that thought. _In case I failed,_ that was it. That _must_ be it. That dark doubt, creeping in and whispering _you will fail, you will die, you will leave him alone in despair;_ that was what was inhibiting you.

Even as you promised to keep him happy, you were still thinking you would fail. You had to stop that, because it must be what was stopping you. As long as you held back, safeguarding for a failure, you _would_ fall short, and ultimately, lose him. And you couldn’t do that.

You smiled, and rolled over onto your side. You needed to sleep, and now that you were assured, you would be ready for tomorrow.

Shinji would be early next morning.

*

In your reverie, you had forgotten about Shinji’s breakdown the last time. You had been too busy logging every memory of every one of his smiles. (No matter how identical to before.)

Like an idiot, you had shown him the truth when he asked-- you had forgotten about that at the time too, and in a split second decision, you had chosen his trust. You didn’t want to betray him by saying no, but you had failed to remember that he had broken down after finding out.

The guilt weighed down on you, when you say him curled up in a ball, facing the wall. His SDAT was thrown to the floor, and he looked so helpless it broke your heart.

“I’ve had enough! I don’t want to do anything!!” Shinji shouted.

“Nothing good comes from replaying your painful memories, either.”

“Nothing is ever good! You showed it to me yourself--!” He gasped when the bed dipped behind him.

You were done with repeating the same lines, over and over. You crawled on the bed, kneeling down to his level. Your hands snaked up his back, and Shinji turned his best to face you. “W-wha..?”

You smiled as comfortingly as you could, and slowly wrapped your arms around him in a hug. Shinji continued to stare at you, but you could feel him relax the slightest bit. “Do you trust me?” You asked, softly.

“I--I… of course…” He said quietly, after a period of shocked silence.

You hummed contentedly, and closed your eyes. “Then trust me now. I will keep you safe. All that will happen when we pilot the Eva is good. We’ll fix the world, I believe.”

Shinji awkwardly adjusted himself in your arms, and you loosened your grip, realizing that you were maybe holding him a bit too tight, and you hadn’t really interacted like this.

However, he turned around to face you, and you had hope that you hadn’t alienated him. Your hands drifted off his shoulders, and you looked him in the eyes.

“I need you to trust me.”

*

You fucked up. You had been wrong, oh god, you were so wrong--

You had thought that you had calmed him down enough before telling him the plan, made his motivation something other than desperation, but _you were wrong._

The Spears had been wrong again-- you had held out the slightest hope that the only difference would be they were the right Spears, but either way, you thought it was factored into your plan. If they were wrong, you could have told him, and Shinji would have _stopped._

_He didn’t stop._

Somewhere along the way he had figured that he was saving the world or _something,_ and he slipped right back into what he did last time-- he was unstoppable.

You hardly had the voice to protest, this time. Your thoughts reeled out of control, and you were a mess of _oh god, I wasted this loop I didn’t change anything I’m going to hurt Shinji-kun again oh no oh no oh no--_

The Spears were pulled out of Lilith with a sickening s _quelch_ and Asuka’s and Shinji’s and your own screaming mixed together into a cacophony of sounds that spelled out _death._ Everything moved in a blur, and soon you were high in the air-- Fourth Impact was beginning.

Your hands shook as you reached up to feel your neck, and you tried your best to swallow the knot in your throat. It hadn’t worked, you fucked up and now you were going to--

The sound of the choker activating made your eyes snap open wide, because it didn’t come from you.

You froze. Your heart stopped beating, and everything seemed to pause. _It didn’t come from you. It didn’t--_

“No…” You breathe out. You forgot-- you… you could hardly even believe it.

_You forgot to take the choker off Shinji._

“…No, no, no no no no no nononononono…” Your mouth went dry, your hands dropped from your neck and you tried to deny it, but…

“…What… is this?”

…it was true.

Shinji’s voice snapped your attention to the side. The shining little shards circled his neck and he struggled to get a good look at them, but the horrible truth was dawning for him. “What is this?” He asked again.

All you could do was stare. _It- it has to be a nightmare or, or-- or something, oh god no don’t let this happen, no--_

Shinji’s eyes met yours, almost like he was seeking reassurance and it hit you that had _promised to keep him safe. You promised to keep him safe and now--_

You couldn’t even finish that thought. _You_ died, Shinji wasn’t the one who--

Your face must be just as hysterical as you felt, because he just slowly shook his head, tried to reach up to his neck in a futile effort to pull the choker off, but one of the shards hit his finger and he hissed and pulled it back.

Your hand twitched, and you managed to get out a single word. “Shinji--” you cut yourself off before your voice could crack, and just reached out a hand, resting it against the barrier between you.

Faintly, you registered the irony of this-- this horrible reversal, and you wished with all your might that this wasn’t just a image because you would break through it, and get to Shinji, take that choker off it was the last thing you did but--

But you couldn’t. You couldn’t reach him, all you could do was desperately press your hands against the wall as if you could destroy it if you pushed hard enough.

Your eyes burned as Shinji began hyperventilating, reaching towards the choker before darting his hands away. You sobbed his name again, and his eyes snapped to yours and held you there.

 Shinji gasped for air, reaching out towards the wall and you choked, a burning hot tear trailing down your cheek.

You wished you could at least feel his touch, as he desperately asked, “What’s going on? What’s--” Your eyebrows creased and you shook your head, muttering _I’m sorry_ ’s and all you could do was cry and grasp for a hand that wasn’t there and Shinji was gasping for breath in between sobs and you desperately wished you could comfort him, but you couldn’t even bring yourself to lie and say everything would be fine because nothing would-- Shinji Ikari was on the chopping block and you were both a mess.

You didn’t want to make this worse, by breaking like this in front of him. You wanted to be soothing like always but you just couldn’t. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, this was so utterly _wrong_.

“K-Kaworu-kun…” Shinji choked out, and he gulped-- _they’re getting close_ \-- “Just, please just tell m-me that… it’ll be…” _okay. Tell me that it will be okay._

You opened your mouth, slowly, eyes watering. “It-- it’s going to be fine, you’re gonna be okay, this--” You sobbed. “…This is all my fault. I’m sorry.”

Shinji rested his head against the wall and whispered “No, it’s not.” Your internal clock said _it’s time._

“Shinji-kun--!”

The world turned red and you couldn’t breathe.

*

Your entry plug was ejected. You didn’t care.

Fourth Impact was stopped. You didn’t care.

The light poured in from the opened hatch. You didn’t care--

“Shinji, you brat--” A voice called from the entry plug’s hatch, before pausing. “Wait, you’re not--” All you did was smile bitterly, still curled up in the plug’s seat. Her feet clanked on the metal as she jumped in.

Someone you knew from a loop before, _Asuka,_ your memory suplied, cautiously approached you, looking ready to fight at any movement.

Loops, right. You were looping… every time you died, you’d restart again… Shinji had never died before you. Your eyes, which were raw already, started to burn again, just at the mention of him.

“Who are you?” She demanded.

 _Every time you died, you’d restart again._ Slowly, you lifted your head, and stared at her with bleary eyes.

She growled primaly. “I’ll ask you one more time. Who. Are. _You?_ ”

You just shook your head. _Every time you died, you’d restart again._ You whispered something, too quiet for her to hear.

She grabbed you roughly by the hair, and dragged you to your feet. “What was that?”

“…Kill me.” You repeated, clearer this time.

Asuka jolted, and let go of your hair. She stared at you, shocked for a moment, before frowning. “Why should I listen to you?”

“If you knew what I’ve done…” You muttered, and reached out to grab her wrists. She jerked, and tried to pull her them out of your grasp. “…You would want to.”

She glared at you, but her eye gleamed in confusion. You lifted her hands to your neck, and trapped them there with your own.

“Kill me, _please_.”

_Every time you died, you’d restart again._

**Author's Note:**

> i cried like 5 times while writing this rip me


End file.
